just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
