I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
