Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize