Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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