dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He has the fingertips of a God
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