ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
