LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
