This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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