after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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