I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
