why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
