and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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