Plan B is the new Plan A
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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