Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
