found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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