Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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