I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
