Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
