The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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