My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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