I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
