ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
