i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
