well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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