I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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