My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
