Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
