I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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