she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
