then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
