my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
