You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's rum buckets o'clock
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
