She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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