Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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