We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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