ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
