theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
