So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize