She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
