I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
