Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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