He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
