the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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