I feel like abortions should bother me more
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize