I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
