now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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