Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
