Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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