just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
