Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
