She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
