Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
