I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
