I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
