my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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