i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
