when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
