Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
