When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am one with the molecules
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
