He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
